Revisitation

I keep having these recurring dreams. Or rather, should I say, they’re different dreams cast in a wide array of different colors set in different places but they all share one common element... one continuous theme coiled tightly around these fitful dreams like a malicious tumor... you. It’s as though nothing ever happened between us and we are happily in love and everything in the world is so profoundly beautiful.

In my dream, you’re clean. Fuck, we both are. In my dream there are no secrets.

And then I wake up and inevitably wish I was dead so somehow my dream would continue.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I don’t regret yesterday, only tomorrow and today. I cannot stand the thought of spending another second without you. And I know you feel the exact same way. I heard it from someone who heard it from someone else. I felt it too, across the expanse.

Whenever I sit alone on my porch, smoking a Lucky Strike, I carefully watch the city lights. Every night I look for a sign.

“Do you know why the lights twinkle the way they do?”

“Is it the smog?” You curiously ask in your cute Russian accent.

“No, it’s not the smog.”

We can’t be together because it is impossible. I’ve been told by people who care that if I care enough I can make the impossible possible. Perhaps I can but I won’t. I won’t because I am afraid. I’m scared shitless. The sky is falling and the bogeyman is hiding in the closet and you’ve changed. We both have. I left you because of what you became and now, well... I'm a joke.

My heart is black as hell is cold.

“So why do the lights twinkle?!” You persist, interrupting my train of thought.

“Tuzik, what causes the lights to twinkle is people throughout the entire city either turning their lights on or turning their lights off,” I quietly explain.

I carefully watch the city lights. Every night I look for a sign that will never appear.

Yet I continue to search.