Patience

I miss you. I miss every nuance of you… wholly, brilliant, beautiful you. Do you remember how we’d spend every night laying in bed talking? You and I, we could do just that… talk… about whatever and it was never forced. Around you I could truly be me because you knew me and loved me and accepted me without conditions, every part of me: the good, the bad, and the scary.

Several weeks ago I overdosed on extasy.

Darkness enveloped me and for an instant I imagined myself in our bed asleep in your arms. Your haunting eyes pierced my self-erected, rusty armor and we spoke to each other. Somewhere far away you slept and we spoke. Astral projection. We met for a second as whispering ghosts and enveloped each other fusing as one flickering soul. The dark waters of the river Styx washed over us, beckoning us to stay forever selfishly in love and I wanted to stay with you so fucking bad. I held on so tight, I wouldn’t let go. I could feel you holding on to me right back.

I wouldn’t let you go.

Bright lights slowly materialized overhead and I found myself swathed in white linen with tubes jutting out of my arm. With a deep inhalation, unable to speak, I helplessly lay there as tears streamed down my face and my body convulsed with muffled, anguished sobs. Between the dull beeps of the hospital equipment, between those half-second infinite spaces abysmal half-truths, I could still hear us there in the dark.

...

I promise you if I die first I will patiently wait there for you.