Memories loom before me through the darkness like a sea of translucent jelly-fish; a sweltering fog of tentacles - a billion tiny syringes rife with mind-numbingly lethal poison. I foolishly reach out, hesitate, and bring my hands safely to my sides, unable to act like some impotent fuck.
I absently stir my coffee. Silence except for the soft rhythmic “clink, clink” of the spoon ringing the sides of the cup like a church bell. “ I don’t know, I can’t seem to get my shit together.” I sharply inhale, rapidly shake two packets of sugar, tear the ends, and pour the sweet contents into my mug. I continue... “ Every day I think I wake up and I think I’m strong and then like a fragile house of cards, I’m reminded of what happened and predictably it all collapses around my ears again and again and again.”
My younger, stronger self sets down his spoon, pauses, carefully choosing his words in his mind. “ Are you good at math?”
“Yes, I suppose I am.”
He looks into my vacant eyes with a piercing gaze. “ If, for every step forward, you are knocked two steps back… where would you find yourself after taking ten steps?”
I sniff and quickly respond, with a raised eyebrow: “ Ten steps back.”
“ O.K, now say you were to simply… turn around. Where would you find yourself then?”
“ I get it. But I don’t want to go there again, you see, that’s my point, I don’t want to be in that place again.”
He smirks as he gazes out of the diner window lost in his own thoughts now. His voice sounds distant. “ You’ll never know the closet is empty until you gather the strength to crawl out of your bed and check for yourself. The monster will always be there kid.”
The future. It's so elusive like a shimmering hummingbird. It hovers, suspended in the darkness, waiting for me to open my eyes and shake away the dust. Inviting me to reach out with an unsure hand, so it can quickly flit away and leave me alone with nothing...
... save you.
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